In my little world, I believe being mad is better than being sad. It signals to me that I am moving out of the darkness and dealing with my feelings. It's a wound healing. It's the bad stuff draining out.

Not everyone agrees with me though.

I grew up being ashamed of and hiding most of my feelings. Girls aren't supposed to get angry. Ah, but they do. I spent a whole year a while back just being angry. It took a lot of energy but I felt so much better when the anger was finally gone. I felt reborn. I felt like I was at the bottom of an empty barrel and I could climb out and fill it with good stuff.

Now I find myself moving to the anger and it feels good. It feels familiar. It feels like a process I know. I have guideposts and signs to point me the way.

I'm struggling to make someone else understand these things. I don't think I can explain it to someone who hasn't at least been in the darkness. I am very frustrated by this. I can only keep trying, chipping away and showing him my insides. I only hope it doesn't make me MORE angry. I love him, and I don't want to hurt him, and I know he really is trying to love and support me. I'm still not used to that.