Loss

Loss is part of life.  To love and to lose.   I have all these profound thoughts of loving someone and losing them unexpectedly. 

Mostly I'm mad.    He died today.   I was there yesterday.   I didn't know it was going to go down like that.    We had plans.  Things to be done, places to be visited.   He was smart and wise and funny and caring and so amazing.  Sensitive.   Thoughtful.  Pushy when he had to be.   When I needed it.   He brought out the best in me.  Away from the fear and anxiety.  From the anger and depression. 

I don't know what I shall do.   I don't have to make any decisions right now.   But to look forward without him is to feel that pain deep inside.   I don't want to do anything right now.  

I know tomorrow isn't promised.   But I feel like I've got the message now, do I need to keep being reminded?

I'm fortunate to have loved and been loved in return.   But I'm still mad.   I wanted more.   More time, more kisses and hugs, and hand-holding.   And all that smooshy stuff.   And talking.  And cards to send.   Gifts to buy.   All of it.   doing dishes and having him put them away in the wrong places.   Having him fix things that break around here.  Picking up his clothes off the floor.  All of it.  I want it back.