i stumbled on an old copy of "Desiderata" that a friend copied down and sent me on the backs of two old envelopes. many years ago when i was often sad, and she seemed to have found all the answers. now it seems the tables have turned, as they often do.

"with all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it still is a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

i like that bit at the end. in all my years of sober depression, or being depressed, or sad...or whatever...i had convinced myself i was not capable of being happy. i know now that's not true. but often it is easier perhaps to make ourselves believe we can't have or don't want things than to hope for them only to be denied. i did just those things for a very long time. now i'm starting to come out into the sun and see the possibilities.

there really is so much to do, to see, to choose from.

and i'm so thankful i've had the opportunity to see Venice and Florence...and look forward to all the delights awaiting me. whatever they may be.

i send a thought and hope out to you, Kelly. i hope you are well.

i shudder to use this term, but i have been in the process of making "lifestyle changes". it sounds simple. just do what you know is the right thing to do. but hooooo boy is that NOT the case. knowing what to do, eat, to exercise, that's the easy part. it's the day to day down in the trenches fighting i struggle with. and to top it all off, i'm lazy as hell. i hate exercise.

exercise is my current demon, or windmill to tilt at. i always give up any new "regime" after a couple of weeks. either not seeing the benefit, getting bored, tired, not enough time....i, like many others have all the excuses for not doing it nor sticking to it.

what will make the difference this time? what will make it stick? that's what i keep asking myself. i wonder if it's worse to keep starting over, getting past the self-dissapointment, or to just stop trying all together...oh no...i won't do that. not give up. i did that for a while. it's not pretty, and nobody wants to be around you when you do...*shudder*

enough of that...back to purging closets. it's so rewarding. to get rid of the cast offs of my former self. a self i plan never to revisit.

okay, it's official. i live in my head most of the time. i'm single, i spend time alone when not at work. the running commentary i think of to describe stupid people i encounter at the video store, or the grocery store, must usually remain unsaid. what a shame, too, because some times it's really insightful. or funny. or both.

so it's tough to switch into gear when i'm among friends or family or whoever...to not blather endlessly about everything because i can. it's like things are off or they are on. no happy medium.

and why, pray tell do i think i need to worry about this?

i don't really. it's not a failing. or a shortcoming. it's just an admission. it's the way i am. and it's just fine.

wowweeee....i don't know if i can survive many more of those visits from my Sweetie. We have to get our time in together when we can, and usually that means he comes here, and we "shack up" for a couple of weeks. it is fun and enjoyable, but now i feel we're past the hearts and flowers stage and on to the getting to know the person within stage. putting up with things that make me crazy and learning to communicate when i am crazy or mad or upset. which is not easy for me. but i'm doing it, which makes me feel good.

it is frustrating to go back to life "before". it seems i feel more alone than when i was alone. it's like having tasted chocolate, and knowing what you're missing. and it's not about THAT, but the being together, the sharing and communicating, laughing and sharing life together.


eeegad...i'm sappy and stuff....

now on to the frustrating prospect of the upcoming holidays. why is it than in trying to do the "right thing" i get so tired of swimmig upstream? making sure things are where they should be and include all those needed. it shouldn't be so difficult. but it is. i'm hoping there's some reward in all of this i don't yet see. there's got to be. orchestrating dinner for 10 doesn't SEEM extremely complicated, but i guess it depends on which 10 we are talking about.

and let's not even talk about the NEXT holiday....yet.....

*runs and hides under her covers*