resolutions anyone?

no thanks...i'm trying to cut back. i never make them because i never keep them.

i do think of things about me i'd like to change, or improve upon, or try to do better...

but all i can think of now, is my choice tonight was to stay home alone so i can have a few drinks. it was either that or go out with a few friends and have none, as i don't drink and drive. i was torn. so many days and nights i've spent alone, so when i get invited someplace, i want to go.

*wonders when that Star Trek transporter will be delivered*

i do send good thoughts and wishes and hopes out to the universe for an excellent, peaceful, love-filled and happy new year to all. and acceptance, too. that is very important that everyone have that feeling. to be accepted for who you are, right now. it's incredible.

wooo hooo...i love Christmas, but yet at the same time i'm glad it's over. all the pressure is off (even though some gifts i've ordered have yet to arrive) and all the socializing and dress up and best behavior is over with for a while...

i did get some lovely gifts. and had some wonderful fits of laughter with my sisters. THAT is what it's all about for me. watching people open gifts, crack up at my sister "embracing her cleavage" and eating waaay too much chocolate.

i miss my Honey. and look forward to a visit with Him soon.

other than that, i got everything i wanted...and MORE.

except His gift has yet to arrive...yay for the post office!!

i am frustrated by human nature's desire to fill the quiet dark winter with noise, light and high levels of irritation.

i honestly feel a spiritual need to be quiet, solemn, meditative, ...to get "very small" and feel my place in the universe. but i think we as humans are so scared of being alone in that cold dark night, we fill the world with light and sound, just to hear it bang. so we don't "feel" so alone. even me, i turn on the TV when i'm home alone, and don't as much watch it as keep it on so it seems like someone else is with me. it keeps me company.

it's ironic that the time of year we all could use a little quiet, seems extra-full of noise and light.

can i even get quiet anymore in the city? i think i can. there are pockets of quiet about. true darkness may not be so easy to come by, but that scares me the most. when it's "Blair Witch" dark. eeeeeeep.

i look forward to the possibility next year of being able to celebrate a quiet holiday with my Honey. where He lives, it's not so busy.

then again, it may drive me mad!

last week i had to attend a "diversity awareness" class at work. it was mostly common sense, but everyone had to go, so there i was.

the only really interesting thing was we saw this video. not even the whole thing, just the part that the teacher had done her first lesson on discrimination in 1968. it was very compelling. and amazing how quickly the children believed their role of superior/inferior. reminded me a bit of "Lord of the Flies" and how NOT evolved we really are.


i might have to get the video and watch it, just to see if those kids had anything to say about how it changed them in their lives as they grew up, or as adults. really really excellent lesson.

today it's all about baking.

beer bread to go with jam i've made for christmas gifts. cookies (only the dough) we will bake and decorate tomorrow. and pumpkin muffins to use up some pumpkin i've got left over. it all sounds good.

i'll have the house warmed up and since it's so dang cold outside, it sounds wonderful.

and the tree lights on, too. yay.

and if that idiot out front would get out of the freakin' car and RING THE DOORBELL instead of honking the horn, the world would be a beautiful place :)

so, yes i did it. broke down and bought a fake Christmas tree. all these years out on my own, i've bought a real one. growing up, we always had a real one, except for the year my mom died.

but i always pick out a tree that will not stand up right, or fit into the stand, or it falls down, or the trunk is crooked....and then there's those darned needles!

i do admit, the thing doesn't look too bad. i miss the smell though. but this way i can leave it up as long as i want....(hmmm...St. Patrick's Day??)

still putting the lights on it, and the fake needles even fall off! humpf!!

i stumbled on an old copy of "Desiderata" that a friend copied down and sent me on the backs of two old envelopes. many years ago when i was often sad, and she seemed to have found all the answers. now it seems the tables have turned, as they often do.

"with all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it still is a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

i like that bit at the end. in all my years of sober depression, or being depressed, or sad...or whatever...i had convinced myself i was not capable of being happy. i know now that's not true. but often it is easier perhaps to make ourselves believe we can't have or don't want things than to hope for them only to be denied. i did just those things for a very long time. now i'm starting to come out into the sun and see the possibilities.

there really is so much to do, to see, to choose from.

and i'm so thankful i've had the opportunity to see Venice and Florence...and look forward to all the delights awaiting me. whatever they may be.

i send a thought and hope out to you, Kelly. i hope you are well.

i shudder to use this term, but i have been in the process of making "lifestyle changes". it sounds simple. just do what you know is the right thing to do. but hooooo boy is that NOT the case. knowing what to do, eat, to exercise, that's the easy part. it's the day to day down in the trenches fighting i struggle with. and to top it all off, i'm lazy as hell. i hate exercise.

exercise is my current demon, or windmill to tilt at. i always give up any new "regime" after a couple of weeks. either not seeing the benefit, getting bored, tired, not enough time....i, like many others have all the excuses for not doing it nor sticking to it.

what will make the difference this time? what will make it stick? that's what i keep asking myself. i wonder if it's worse to keep starting over, getting past the self-dissapointment, or to just stop trying all together...oh no...i won't do that. not give up. i did that for a while. it's not pretty, and nobody wants to be around you when you do...*shudder*

enough of that...back to purging closets. it's so rewarding. to get rid of the cast offs of my former self. a self i plan never to revisit.

okay, it's official. i live in my head most of the time. i'm single, i spend time alone when not at work. the running commentary i think of to describe stupid people i encounter at the video store, or the grocery store, must usually remain unsaid. what a shame, too, because some times it's really insightful. or funny. or both.

so it's tough to switch into gear when i'm among friends or family or whoever...to not blather endlessly about everything because i can. it's like things are off or they are on. no happy medium.

and why, pray tell do i think i need to worry about this?

i don't really. it's not a failing. or a shortcoming. it's just an admission. it's the way i am. and it's just fine.

wowweeee....i don't know if i can survive many more of those visits from my Sweetie. We have to get our time in together when we can, and usually that means he comes here, and we "shack up" for a couple of weeks. it is fun and enjoyable, but now i feel we're past the hearts and flowers stage and on to the getting to know the person within stage. putting up with things that make me crazy and learning to communicate when i am crazy or mad or upset. which is not easy for me. but i'm doing it, which makes me feel good.

it is frustrating to go back to life "before". it seems i feel more alone than when i was alone. it's like having tasted chocolate, and knowing what you're missing. and it's not about THAT, but the being together, the sharing and communicating, laughing and sharing life together.


eeegad...i'm sappy and stuff....

now on to the frustrating prospect of the upcoming holidays. why is it than in trying to do the "right thing" i get so tired of swimmig upstream? making sure things are where they should be and include all those needed. it shouldn't be so difficult. but it is. i'm hoping there's some reward in all of this i don't yet see. there's got to be. orchestrating dinner for 10 doesn't SEEM extremely complicated, but i guess it depends on which 10 we are talking about.

and let's not even talk about the NEXT holiday....yet.....

*runs and hides under her covers*

if we realized how much work something is before we took it on, would we still do it? i think it depends on what it is. like getting a dog, for example. it seems like a good idea at the time, but those early morning walks in the snow, then perhaps we aren't so sure. but then again, i don't have a dog.

i do have, for the moment, a long distance relationship. it's not a good situation. one i would not choose, nor advise another to choose. but i also realize i cannot control who i love. so i choose to stay in this situation, hoping for the opportunity that will bring us together. until then we remain separated by family obligation and the Canadian border. except for visits. visits are the best. perhaps it increases the inensity of our feelings. or enhances it. doesn't matter. it feels good to be up to my eyeballs in the stupid dopey kind of nickname calling love. wallowing in it. bathing. doing things i said i'd never do, saying things i'd sworn i'd never say. in this case, i will not only admit i was wrong, but concede that i'm glad i was wrong.

why is anyone surprised that a family who holds money in such high esteem should produce a son who gets engaged to a woman, who, with a 1 carat diamond, can only whine because it's not the 3 carat one? sometimes all i can do is shake my head.

as when they say that youth is wasted on the young, often times money is wasted on the stupid. and even worse, they'll probably breed.

i shudder to think.

sometimes family gossip is not worth the time it took me to listen to it. there goes 5 minutes i'll never get back, damn!!

egads it has been a while. i always start off with the best of intetions...on any project. and then something else captures my attention, or i want to do something else, like sleep. is it boredom? not usually. just...the human nature thing. complacency.

it happens to the best of us. it's odd, though that we seek a routine, familiar niches carved out of everyday activities and places and travels. we look for patterns to soothe us, to make us feel secure in their sameness. so, somewhere along that spectrum, things become "old hat" or we get bored with them. and then at least in my case, we look for something that engages us more than the last thingy did.

i love this though, and i'm going to try and not let it fall by the wayside. maybe with the cool weather chasing me back inside, that will help. or i'll get a raging case of cabin fever. not sure which

i had an interesting dream. i don't often remember much of my dreams until days later. or weeks. i do like to try and figure out what they mean. it's a hobby. or a pursuit. but i've just read a few books on the subject. so now, on occasion, friends call me with their dreams. it really is fascinating.

i dreamt i was going to college. it wasn't really like when i was in college which was (EGAD) 18 years ago. but i was moving into a dorm-like place and there were lots of friendly young people around, very welcoming. i was excited to be starting a new venture and looking forward to expanding my education (which really is something i would like to do)

i don't remember a lot of the details now, but the overall feeling was good. and considering i usually find new adventures a bit daunting and sometimes downright scary, i'd say it's a sign of progress. if not a new venture on the horizon. could be almost anything, really. kind of makes me want to take my binoculars and watch the horizon.

i don't have a garden. i wish i did. what i do have is some potted plants out on my balcony.

this summer has been pretty awful for those plants so far. the trees out back of my apartment building are encroaching ever closer so the squirrels can jump onto the balcony above. the bugs jump onto my plants and eat the leaves. it rains. then it's hot.

but tonight, i went out there and noticed some new buds. some new flowers trying to open, and some new growth.

i like that. my little plants reminding me to keep at it, to keep trying, not to give up.

my mother always had flowers out front and stalks of corn by the side of the house, and tomatoes out back. i can remember house plants and lots of flowers. she always had hope things would grow. bear fruit. wonder if she saw the symbolism. she had 3 children and then died at 33. i like to think now she sees that her having us was her hope for the future. her putting forth buds not knowing if and/or when they would bloom.

cleaning the house is one of the few things in life that results in instant gratification. one can see the results of their hard work immediately. the problem is, on a hot day, i have to take lots of breaks. between that and the bathroom cleaners, i get light-headed.

so i'm back at my computer, looking at my newly discovered website. it seems i get all interested in one, save it to my favorites, spend a lot of time browsing it (depending on how long it holds my attention) and then merely cast it aside at the discovery of a new one. meanwhile my favorites list becomes bogged down with stuff i rarely look at anymore. maybe i should turn my cleaning jag to the computer, and discard the unvisited sites. hmm..*ponders cleaning virtual house*

now if i can only figure out how to put comment links on here, i'll be all set!

i like to shop. note** that does not mean i buy lots of things. in fact, there are really very few things i need. NEED. but i can't help browsing, looking through catalogs, wandering through stores. i love to look.

so today as i was browsing a rack of half-priced womens sleepwear, it dawned on me, why was i looking? i don't even wear sleepwear to sleep. i wear it around the house in which case then should i be calling it loungewear? or am i thinking of the glamourous women in the 30's and 40's films when the word penior and negligee had totally different meanings? the women who wore the floor length, long sleeved gowns and the maribou slippers? could be. oooh...and always with the cigarette holder....

now i don't have any loungewear that looks like that. mostly flannel and cotton pajama bottom type things and t-shirts. but it's comfy. and i can't help but look, i mean it was half price! but i didn't buy any.

i journal in writing, i journal on my computer, and now i'm doing i here. is it an addiction? do i have an 'addictive personality'? or have i just watched too much Dr. Phil? what is this need to label, to analyze? to find out why i have a liking for certain activities, or find myself wanting to help people rather than find friends who have their sh*t together??

oh, so many questions. and i can't help but analyze. it's my nature. it's what i do. to myself, to anyone...maybe it was sophmore year, living with that psych major who then turned out to be one of the most whacked out, freaky, alcoholic, lying, self destructive but 'had everything' girls i ever knew. it's too bad really. before i met her, i didn't worry about things, really. but she was a pro. oh boy.

and now? i have no clue where she is. she got evicted from her apartment and wound up in a homeless shelter. i tried to help her, only to be shit on once again. nope. i'm done. i hope she finds whatever she's looking for...i hope she realizes she has everything she needs.

perhaps thats what it takes. some catastrophic event to 'wake us up' to realize how precious a gift life and what we do have is. that's how it worked for me. but hey, i was only 10!