cleaning the house is one of the few things in life that results in instant gratification. one can see the results of their hard work immediately. the problem is, on a hot day, i have to take lots of breaks. between that and the bathroom cleaners, i get light-headed.

so i'm back at my computer, looking at my newly discovered website. it seems i get all interested in one, save it to my favorites, spend a lot of time browsing it (depending on how long it holds my attention) and then merely cast it aside at the discovery of a new one. meanwhile my favorites list becomes bogged down with stuff i rarely look at anymore. maybe i should turn my cleaning jag to the computer, and discard the unvisited sites. hmm..*ponders cleaning virtual house*

now if i can only figure out how to put comment links on here, i'll be all set!

i like to shop. note** that does not mean i buy lots of things. in fact, there are really very few things i need. NEED. but i can't help browsing, looking through catalogs, wandering through stores. i love to look.

so today as i was browsing a rack of half-priced womens sleepwear, it dawned on me, why was i looking? i don't even wear sleepwear to sleep. i wear it around the house in which case then should i be calling it loungewear? or am i thinking of the glamourous women in the 30's and 40's films when the word penior and negligee had totally different meanings? the women who wore the floor length, long sleeved gowns and the maribou slippers? could be. oooh...and always with the cigarette holder....

now i don't have any loungewear that looks like that. mostly flannel and cotton pajama bottom type things and t-shirts. but it's comfy. and i can't help but look, i mean it was half price! but i didn't buy any.

i journal in writing, i journal on my computer, and now i'm doing i here. is it an addiction? do i have an 'addictive personality'? or have i just watched too much Dr. Phil? what is this need to label, to analyze? to find out why i have a liking for certain activities, or find myself wanting to help people rather than find friends who have their sh*t together??

oh, so many questions. and i can't help but analyze. it's my nature. it's what i do. to myself, to anyone...maybe it was sophmore year, living with that psych major who then turned out to be one of the most whacked out, freaky, alcoholic, lying, self destructive but 'had everything' girls i ever knew. it's too bad really. before i met her, i didn't worry about things, really. but she was a pro. oh boy.

and now? i have no clue where she is. she got evicted from her apartment and wound up in a homeless shelter. i tried to help her, only to be shit on once again. nope. i'm done. i hope she finds whatever she's looking for...i hope she realizes she has everything she needs.

perhaps thats what it takes. some catastrophic event to 'wake us up' to realize how precious a gift life and what we do have is. that's how it worked for me. but hey, i was only 10!