"You aren't going to wear that to church?" she asked, a little nervous.
I didn't bother to tell her I didn't go to church anymore, only when she asked me to join them when I was visiting.
"No, Grandma, I won't." I said.

My beloved Grandma died a little over a year ago. I can remember trying on dressy fancy hats at JC Penney's with her once when I was in high school.

My heart still misses her and I want to talk to her, and send her a card to let her know I love her. I send them to Grandpa in the nursing home now.

I love you, Grandma.



Me and Grandma and my crazy hat

I'll admit I'm completely amused that I stayed on the treadmill for 40 minutes instead of the usual 20 because the TV attached to the treadmill (that's right in front of my face) that was installed a few weeks ago is now hooked up to cable.

It's still a bit painful with my runner's knee to maintain a consistent speed and incline. I can't vouch that my heart rate was up the whole time, but I was on there longer. That has to count for something in my "plus" column.

Any time I'm moving and NOT sitting on the couch is a good thing.

Collecting. It's an interesting eye into people you know (and people you don't). Have you ever been to a show, a gathering, a convention or group of people with similar interests that you may not share? Not likely, if you don't share it, you probably wouldn't spend the time.

I think it's interesting though, to take on even for the day, a mantle of "outsider looking in" to something a good, dear friend may really love. For example, my beau loves old cars. One day we took in a classic car museum. I am a museum girl, and love to learn, though I don't know a thing about cars. I can, however, see the artistry and view them as sculpture. I had a hard time containing a laugh, though, when I turned to confer with him about something, and he was on the floor staring up under a car with the first front wheel drive apparatus! A fellow gentleman guest was asking what it looked like, etc. I found myself seeing a whole new side of the man I love. His love for learning and knowing about cars, his curiosity, his enthusiasm was a side of him I might not have gotten the chance to see before.

I'm grateful for that and other opportunities to get some insight into my friends.

Now, who wants to go to Vegas and see the Star Trek Experience? I KNOW I'm not the only dork around...

Feeling like a feeble old lady this morning with numbness in my hands and fingers and joints aching all over the place.

Great.

But I did do a workout last night to make up for blowing off Tuesday.

And totally hooked on Lost, but more importantly the psychological underpinnings they seem to be focusing on just now. Which for me, who analyzes everything, is absolutely a match made in heaven. I get tired of shows that insult me or don't even get my brain working. I suppose that's some people's reason for watching, though.

That's what I have The Girls Next Door for.

heh.

Signposts marking the passage of time. Anniversaries, birthdays, friends and relatives celebrating, children growing older.

I feel happier, more content, more settled and just basically pleased with life in general than ever a time I can recall in the past.

I don't love my job, I don't live in the same town as my boyfriend, I don't even have a house.

There were things I thought I'd need to feel the way I do now, but I'm pleased to be wrong.


And look, now the sun is coming out.

Sometimes I go for weeks without an inkling of a clue. I need some signpost to point me in a direction. I need some semblance of a sign that there is a reason to go on in the world full of people that make me crazy.

If a community can create a fund for the children of the man who killed their own children, THAT is forgiveness. That is what those of us who believe in a higher power strive for. But when presented with seem like petty little family differences, we turn our backs and say NO, I won't ever talk to that person again, what does that say about us?

I feel ashamed that they can do this and at times, I cannot. I feel smaller somehow, yet emboldened by their example.

People have hurt me in my life, and I'm sure I have hurt some as well. I'm not asking for anyone to forgive me, but I struggle with forgiving them. I'm grateful to have seen this example in action. It reminds me that I have work to do, but that it CAN indeed be done.

I'm tired of letting my battle of the bulge get the better of me. I'm tired of quieting my whiny moods with food. I'm tired of feeling like Jabba the Hut.


I'm still working out, and mostly going through the motions of sticking to my eating plan.

I'm not giving up, though.

Just too dang stubborn. I can beat this thing.

I learn new things about being part of a couple all the time.

I learn that we don't always have the same idea of how to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon. I learn that we don't always want to eat the same thing for dinner. I learn that we have different ideas of entertainment. I learn our need for sleep often vastly differs, as does our sleep schedule.

I also learn that we can still connect on new and deeper levels, even after four years. I learn that we can be quiet and silent, and still abide in one another's presence. We can pack a great picnic, he remembers things I forget. He remembers when I get lost going to the same town, making that wrong turn every time even though I live here and he doesn't.

He laughs at my jokes, he smiles at me for no reason, I catch him looking at my face when he thinks I'm not looking. He loves my cooking, and we love to enjoy a sunny day, a bottle of wine, and just looking out the window together.

I know life is not a bed of roses, and things can be an adjustment, and sometimes couples drive one another nuts, but I'll take what we have over anything else any day.