It's baby fever around here where I work. Some of the women are new grandmothers. That's wonderful for them, and they are so excited, and that's great, but can we PLEASE talk about something else?

I know maybe I'm feeling left out of the conversation because I don't have labor stories, hospital stories, nor what I craved when I was pregnant stories. Frankly, I'm glad for those things, thank you very much.

And why, pray tell must people bring their offspring into the office? If I didn't have to be here, you can sure as sh*t bet I wouldn't be in here, even with a kid.

*mutters*

Things must be looking up for me. I look around my apartment and see what needs cleaning. I was too tired to do most of it last night, but I started picking up the big pieces.
I even made the bed this morning!

This morning, I notice the return, albeit tentatively, the return of my friend the sun.

yay.

It's going to be a long winter. Maybe I'll break down and get one of those light box things. They are expensive, though.


The world will be a bit less vivid with the passing of Ann Richards. I am, however, elated to hear she is the source of one of my favorite quotes, and I never knew it.
"Ginger Rogers does everything Fred Astaire does, only she does it backwards and in high heels."

so true. And I'll bet she had the blisters to prove it.

Is it just me, or does it seem like all these "news" shows are trying to make more "news" by talking about their own personnel changes?

Jeez, people leave jobs and take new ones every day for more money or opportunity. Get over yourselves.

Oh, and by the way, some celebrity offspring photo shoot is not "news" either. There was a day when this type of stuff was reserved for those entertainment magazine programs. Now it's bled over into the "news".

No wonder so few people really know anything much of what is going on in the world. One has to really seek out reliable sources of information.

I'm so not ready for winter. This past weekend was rainy, damp, gray and chilly. All the fun of a taste of winter in the not yet fall! Thanks!

My bones ached, my mood went south, my interest in things normal to me, my motivation, all gone.

Sitting on the couch watching Miami Ink seemed like a good idea.

I came to the conclusion then that I feel about tattoos the way I do about mini-skirts. They may look great on other people, and I admire them, but they aren't for me. Maybe I can't make that commitment. I just can't think of any symbol nor image that I want permanently inked under my skin.

I'm starting to feel better. Not happy, but better. It's a step.

And now at the Y I go to, they have little TV's installed in front of each treadmill. I wondered whey they had moved them all to face the wall. Now I can really dangle a carrot in front of myself by watching the Food Network as I walk. That makes me giggle.

Feeling somber today just thinking of lives that changed forever and how many of us who weren't even near New York or Washington D.C. or that field in Pennsylvania are forever changed as well.

And I wish they would stop saying stupid crap like "never forget". DUH. Some of us still can't get those pictures and images our of our heads, thank you very much.

ooh, trying to be respectful and it turns into a rant. Maybe it's true though that nothing will truly change unless we take some sort of action. In my experience, anger can often spur something like that on. As my brother's introduction to me of Rage Against the Machine told me....Anger is a gift. If I can get angry, I still have passion. I care about something. I am capable of strong feelings. All is not lost. It's just what I do with the gift that can be the hard part.

In my little world, I believe being mad is better than being sad. It signals to me that I am moving out of the darkness and dealing with my feelings. It's a wound healing. It's the bad stuff draining out.

Not everyone agrees with me though.

I grew up being ashamed of and hiding most of my feelings. Girls aren't supposed to get angry. Ah, but they do. I spent a whole year a while back just being angry. It took a lot of energy but I felt so much better when the anger was finally gone. I felt reborn. I felt like I was at the bottom of an empty barrel and I could climb out and fill it with good stuff.

Now I find myself moving to the anger and it feels good. It feels familiar. It feels like a process I know. I have guideposts and signs to point me the way.

I'm struggling to make someone else understand these things. I don't think I can explain it to someone who hasn't at least been in the darkness. I am very frustrated by this. I can only keep trying, chipping away and showing him my insides. I only hope it doesn't make me MORE angry. I love him, and I don't want to hurt him, and I know he really is trying to love and support me. I'm still not used to that.

So, some toluene heptane and acetone xylene got into the ventilation system where I work.

Evacuation followed by people going to the hospital.

Makes me wonder, though, just how safe is it in here now, the next day?


Reason #612 to either
A) run away and live in the woods as my beau suggests OR
B) buy a private island and move there, as my sister and her hubby plan to.

Many good things.

long weekends
Weddings
dancing to 80's music with my 19 month old niece
chocolate
red wine
75 degree days in Northern Michigan even though the trees are starting to change
an omelet at a "Hole in the Wall" breakfast joint
staying in a hotel room upstairs from the reception of said wedding
blowing bubbles
seeing a lake from one's window in the morning
an entire day of sitting on the couch, playing captain of the remote control
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
seeing oddly random contents in the back of pick up trucks while avoiding the heaviest of holiday traffic
spending time with my sisters
realizing my niece knows how to say "chocolate" AND knows what it is
laughing at silly drunk boys and realizing no matter how old some people get, things don't ever change


That's all I can think of at the moment. I love to journal in lists. That is a new format for me, but it's really great!

Trying to keep my mind on the good stuff. And that theory that you can choose to be happy?
Bunk. Especially if you aren't really sure why things seem to suck so much.

Fake it til you make it, that's my current method. If I pretend I'm happy then maybe I'll start to believe it. Isn't that like lying, though?

It's just regular life angst stuff. Nothing can change it, it is what it is. I just have to get over or past or around it somehow.

Long weekend coming up which is good. There is the promise and hope of sleep, but not likely true good stuff until Sunday night. It continues to elude me and then there are commitments.

I remember being in Catholic school and hearing the talk about "getting the call" or hearing God communicate with you. Yeah, I never felt nor heard that. I always thought everyone else but me did, and there was something wrong with me. I think in some ways I'm still waiting for that voice to tell me what to do, where to go, how to be. I wonder, is this all there is? Because it's not all that.

Wow, am I a barrel of fun today. I'm working on changing that perspective. So far it isn't really changing. Giving up would be worse than not succeeding, though.

Please tell me I'm right!