Somehow, I am carrying on.   I don't know that I'm really living life to the fullest, but I am surviving.   Spending time with my family.  Doing things that make me smile and bring me joy.   There was a time when I thought this would be impossible.

There are still some movies I cannot watch.  Songs I cannot listen to.   Things are so tied up with a specific event or memory, I want to keep those where they are for now.   To watch a film alone would be that one more reminder of doing that alone.   One more reminder of the absence of those who knew me best.   I'm not ready for that yet.

But the good thing about that is, that it's okay.   

I do my best to remember, tell stories and celebrate.  To laugh, though I'm crying when I do.  

It's the new normal.  I'm not the same as I was.   I never will be.

and that is okay. 

Lipstick

Yes, I love makeup.   I love talking about it, looking at it, shopping for it, reading about it, watching videos where other people talk about it and apply it.    Some may say I have a problem.   It rarely interferes with me living my life, so let's just put that part aside, shall we?

All the time I was with my dear sweet RDB, he never liked me to wear lipstick.  At the time, I wasn't really into it anyway, so it was not a major issue.   His reasoning was that he might want to kiss me at any moment, and he didn't want to come away with any of that on his lips, thank you very much.    I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard, so I happy complied.

But I've discovered something these past few months.

I LIKE lipstick.   I like the way it finishes off my face.   Completes the look.   I opt for the liquid lipstick that dries matte and doesn't migrate off my lips.   I even, on occasion, wear RED lipstick.

At first I felt like I was doing something wrong.   Going against something he asked me not to do.   I almost felt guilty.   Like I'd get caught.

But as I kept on wearing it and buying it, I realized it was all right.   I look nice.   It's something I'm not doing to be rebellious or to say "screw you", but something just for me.   Because I like it.

And that would make him happy.    I'm sure it does.

It's really not about the lipstick.   It's about me finding myself.  My way.   Continuing to live my life, find the joy and seek it out.  Seize it.   

Just don't buy all the lipstick.

Loss

Loss is part of life.  To love and to lose.   I have all these profound thoughts of loving someone and losing them unexpectedly. 

Mostly I'm mad.    He died today.   I was there yesterday.   I didn't know it was going to go down like that.    We had plans.  Things to be done, places to be visited.   He was smart and wise and funny and caring and so amazing.  Sensitive.   Thoughtful.  Pushy when he had to be.   When I needed it.   He brought out the best in me.  Away from the fear and anxiety.  From the anger and depression. 

I don't know what I shall do.   I don't have to make any decisions right now.   But to look forward without him is to feel that pain deep inside.   I don't want to do anything right now.  

I know tomorrow isn't promised.   But I feel like I've got the message now, do I need to keep being reminded?

I'm fortunate to have loved and been loved in return.   But I'm still mad.   I wanted more.   More time, more kisses and hugs, and hand-holding.   And all that smooshy stuff.   And talking.  And cards to send.   Gifts to buy.   All of it.   doing dishes and having him put them away in the wrong places.   Having him fix things that break around here.  Picking up his clothes off the floor.  All of it.  I want it back.  

Grief

I've read there are stages of grief.    My darling sister died a year ago.   I'm angry, mostly.   It's not fair.    It was fast.   We weren't ready.   None of us. 

A part of my heart, childhood, memory, pain, laughter and all we did and had and went through together is gone.  

Plans we made, trips to take, places to live and share and grow old together, but not too close together; they are all dashed.   Forever on the drawing board.   I don't know that we would have lived in halves of a duplex, but the point is, we COULD HAVE.   And now we can't.   Ever.   

I have to continue.   To go on.  

But I'm still angry.    Not at her.    Though we fought sometimes.   Scratching, kicking, full out hair pulling fights.    And we didn't always see eye to eye.   But when it came down to the tough times, the bad days at work, the frustrating family gatherings... we were always there for one another.

I miss her.  I miss the feeling that I should be calling her more.   I miss her stories about her friends.   I miss her postcards from business trips. 

I'm working on these things.   I'm trying to feel like doing more than existing.   I'm trying to have more energy than it takes to just get through the day.  

I love you Karen.    I miss you.    I know it's selfish.  I know you are happy and at peace.   You have no more questions.  No more airport security, itchy tags, wet bathroom floors, pain, upset stomach, vegetables you don't like and people who piss you off.  

We have no more truth, no more force to push us through.   No more moral compass, no more laughing and late night snacks.  

You have entered a line of strong, kind women who went before.  Who taught us the right way to fold fitted sheets and iron shirts.   To bake cakes and cookies, bandage scrapes and make people feel welcome and loved.   You still lead us with your spirit.  

One foot in front of the other.  

Out with the old..

aah, Spring.  wait, it's not spring yet!   This happens to me every year.   I'm tired of boots and coats and gloves and scraping off my car.   I want to wear my sandals.   

I've been taking myself to "classic" films showing at a local movie theater on Saturdays.   I like it.  I've seen most of them already, some of them I own.   This costs $4.   It may seem silly, but rather than languish at home, coming up with perfectly good reasons NOT to go out on the weekend, I get myself out, if only for a short while.   I like that too.

Plus I'm not really into retail therapy.  I tried it, I used to do it and I thought it felt great.  I now have so many things I don't really need I find myself cleaning dressers and drawers and cupboards out.   More than I'd like to.   So I'm not buying things I don't need anymore.  I'm not shopping, I'm getting.   Getting food, getting a new coffee maker because mine isn't working properly.   I like that too.   And coffee.

Coming up with a new start for spring.  I'm not going to lie, I'd love some new clothes.   I've been losing weight, so I'm going to wait a while.  

So I'll hunker down here, cleaning out, sloughing off the old.   Often finding the new, lighter version awaiting underneath.   I like that.