Sometimes, I love living alone. Other times, it freaks me out. I'm pretty sure what just happened was something like an acid reflux episode but while it was happening, I felt like I was going to die. Home. Alone.

It's like that scene in "Frankie and Johnny" when Michelle Pfeiffer nearly chokes on a spoonful of peanut butter. She's all alone, feels that panic, relief, and then still alone, sadness.

I sure hope this isn't something that sticks around. I hope this is it, like the one migraine I had, and then it goes on it's merry way.

All I can say without going into too much detail, is that I hate being or feeling sick. That was horrible, and it felt like I was suffocating. It scared me! But now, I'm feeling much more calm. I'm just not sure if I'll be able to eat any more of that great batch of stuff I made earlier today.

Oh stop your whining. At least I'm queen of the remote control, right?

How do I know when it's time to end things? How do I know that this won't give me any more than it already has? Do I stay until the bitter end?

It's going to be hot today. I was lazy yesterday. I don't want to have to go out, but I will. And then I'll come right back home.

I know going to the gym is good for me. I feel better when I've done my workout. But I'm still waiting for the part where I like working out.

I only had a small bit of syrup on my waffles. And now I feel all sticky. What is with that?

It's been such a long time. I used to fancy myself a writer of some sort. I don't know that that is true. Putting thoughts down in writing has always been a good thing for me, though.

It's been a crazy year. Not so much for things happening to me, but things happening to those around me. Accidents, surgeries, too much visiting of hospitals in a year for my taste.

Lately, work has been the bane of my existence. I don't like making changes, but I am re-working the resume. I need to find another place. Where work is appreciated. Where effort is at least acknowledged. Where expectations are realistic. Where overtime is not required.

And that's enough about that.

I feel the need for some more creativity in my life. Perhaps now that the weather has cooled a bit. I have something on deck for Halloween. Will see how that goes, but for the graveyard of knitting and crocheting materials I have, I hope I shall return to you darlings.

I long for simplicity. I crave peace and quiet. I feel guilty when I spend a Saturday doing nothing. Why is that? What a strange contradiction.

And soon, I can get out my goblins and ghosts to decorate for the holidays. I adore that. I long not for the cold, wet leaves, but the time when magic abounds. Spells are cast. Cider is drunk. and the veil between this world and the next seems a bit thin.

I miss those lovely women in my life that have gone on. I feel them supporting and encouraging me, though. I sometimes wish they'd give me that kick I can't seem to give myself.

Sometimes I feel strong and invincible; but at other times I feel weak and vulnerable. My boyfriend tells me I am strong, beautiful and brave. He tells me this as I tell him how much I feel this way when we are together. I suppose, like Dorothy in her ruby slippers, I always have the powers that I don't always feel I do.

Does love make me stronger? I believe that by giving and receiving love I have become stronger. I have more room in my heart for more love. I just don't always have time for all of those people that I love to spend time with.

That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad friend. I tell myself this in writing so that I believe it.

I seem to be tired more lately. I am working lots more overtime than I have been. I chalk it up to getting older. As I tell my beau, I know it's a fact, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I will bask in spring and summer as much as I can. I have tickets to a concert by my favorite band. I will spend time with my sisters and celebrate graduations. I pledge to be more a part of life than just getting through it. I pledge to be able to say at the end of the summer that I'm glad I spent as much time outside as I did.

I'm blessed with strength and courage. I just forget where I put it sometimes.

I attended a wedding of one of my cousins last weekend. It made me think about how I feel about going to weddings. I love weddings. I enjoy attending as a guest. I do not enjoy being part of the wedding party nor all the hoopla that accompanies weddings.

Being a girl, I am often invited to wedding showers. I find this problematic and unfair. Not only do I need to buy a wedding gift, but I also need to buy a shower gift for the bride-to-be. Being that most of my cousins on this side of the family are male, I find myself at a loss to know which item off the list the bride may really want. Is it the hand mixer, cookie sheets and pie plates? Or would she really rather have the camping tent and binoculars? I often feel like these gifts aren't really for the couple. But they are intended for their new life together. So then in that case, I get things that I have that I like and use. Isn't that what gift receipts are for, anyway?

At any rate, this particular wedding was a wonderful joyous occasion. I found myself both missing my grandparents who have both passed away, and rejoicing in the fact that my cousins are so handsome and awesome. They are funny and smart, they are building lives of their own and some have wonderful families already. I'm thinking my grandparents are really proud. I'm sad that we don't spend as much time with one another as we used to when we were all younger, but also realizing it's the way of life.

And then that reminds me to say yes when I'm invited, and be present in the moment when I am there.

Sharing our joys is such a blessing, we don't forget the sorrows, but it's part of what knits us together. And I wouldn't miss a chance for that.