I have learned that a lot of things I used to think were extremely important, really aren't. I've also learned that my beau loves me very much. He remembers our anniversary of when we met. He was visiting and hid a card away to tell me where to find it on that day. I didn't even realize it was our anniversary. I felt so terrible. He said it was all right, which, of course made it even harder.

I don't think we ought to measure, weigh, or count love out. We all love the ones we love as well as we can at the moments we are having. I can't think about what I did yesterday and what he might think. I can plan tomorrows with great care and affection. I collect gifts and items to bestow upon him at random times. I send him cards in the mail for no special reason.

I don't believe I need to prove to him nor to anyone else (except maybe myself) how much I really do love him. For now, he lives in another city. Until circumstances change, that is the way it is going to stay. For the here and now, and so far, it's something I'm willing to withstand.

I believe family is not only the people one is related to by blood, but those we surround ourselves with. Those whose paths we cross, who we root for and root for us. Those that support us and that we find ourselves rooting for, listening to, hugging, consoling and celebrating. I never have enough time for those dear ones.

This year, this landmark birthday year, I find myself struggling to stay fit, to have energy and time to do all the things I want to. My body loses the battle with sleep each night when there are still tasks left undone. I find this more maddening than anything. Mind over matter not longer seems to have any hold here.

I don't need a grand house or large place to feel like I've got a claim on my own little corner of the world. I can feel just as special making jam and knitting scarves that will find their way into other's homes. I am not sure how they will feel about that, though.

I believe that a well placed and enjoyed piece of dark chocolate can be a solace in any sort of day.

I miss my grandparents, but a random talk radio statement told me today that one cannot tell how well one did as a parent until one sees one's children raise their children. If this is true, then my grandparents are perhaps the most generous, special, kind, loving, supportive, caring and "kick you in the butt if you need it" people that ever walked the earth.

I'm sure they are at peace and rest, smiling down on all of us as we flounder through our lives, wondering what the heck we are doing, and pondering what is important and what is not.

I do still like to have some things around me that sparkle, though.

I am a dichotomy.

I love having friends and family over, but I don't enjoy things being out of place when my niece has been over, playing with my toys. Or my pots and pans.

I love cooking, but I dislike having everything out of the drawers and cupboards.

I love to travel, but I love being at home, just hanging out.

I love to read, but I tend to pick up and put down books at will for weeks at a time when there seems to be something better to do.

I love making gifts for people, but I really like to look around in the stores and see what cool things they have.

I love people watching, but at times, I find people in general to be annoying.

I love concerts but hate to deal with the parking and the crush of the audience.

I love children, their spirit and optimism, but I find some of them to be a real nuisance. (I often put that on the parents, though.)

I love movies and want to see some of them in the theater, but a lot of the time, other viewers ruin it for me by talking, or sitting right next to me and executing a series of jerky movements in their seat. It makes me want to knock them unconscious.

I seem to work well under pressure, but get very angry when others question how I'm doing what I'm doing, or tell me how to do my job, instead of wait for it to be done and see the end result.

I seem to have learned to love myself, but often hate my body.

I'm healthier and more fit than I've ever been but seem to have more random aches and pains.

I like the feeling of being well rested, but I hate to go to bed, for fear that I'll miss something (what, I ask myself? a random late night talk show guest?)

I love and adore my friends, but find free time at such a premium, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to. And then they inevitably want to make plans when I have six other things lined up. (This usually occurs after at least 6 weekends in a row of not one thing going on.)

I like to be outside, but I don't like bugs, heat, humidity, camping, or getting myself too dirty. Ditto for gardening.

I believe that is all I can come up with just now. I'm sure more will occur to me later, like just after I turn off the computer.

I'm going on a vacation. Not just time off from work to wander around with my beau or visit family, though we'll do that.

My sister and I are going on a real live "get out of town and away from everyone" type of trip. Though she's going for work and I'm just tagging along.

I feel like I've just heard the last school bell of the year ring and they have flung open the doors and I'm running home to start my summer.

Summers of playing in the backyard, in the sandbox, on the swing set.
Summers of riding bikes, visiting the bookmobile, playing with barbies outside, staying out until it was almost dark.
Summers of sunshine and tether ball.
Summers of visits to Grandma and Grandpa, walking to 7-11 to buy whatever we wanted. Summers of paying "McDonald's drive through" at the open garage window.

This time I get to see the Grand Canyon, though. I can't hardly wait.

He said he didn't get me anything for my birthday. He didn't want to buy things just to have things for me to tear wrapping paper off of. We agree having things isn't what we want. We don't want stuff you have to dust.

What he did give me was his time and attention. He always does that. He listened to me talk about places I like to go. He made a hotel reservation.

We drove up north and spent two nights near the water. We drove around to some vineyards. We ate wonderful meals and bought some things. He let me choose a restaurant for dinner. I liked that they served meals made from fresh local ingredients. They had a four page wine list and the menu changes every night. It's actually located in a former psychatric hosptial building. The waitress assured us though that it was the location of the root cellar.

We had nearly perfect weather for early May and off-season rates. We stayed next to a cute little breakfast place where the servings of corn beef hash were as big as my head. The waitress brought out samples of soup our first night so we could taste them. She asked if we wanted the cherry pie heated before the ice cream was added.

I know I had great birthdays as a kid, parties and all. I know my friends threw a surprise party in college for me. I know some dear ones got me through 33 with a slumber party and porn. That was the hardest birthday of all.

But this one seemed darned near perfect. I struggled to remember a better one. He took me away last year too, but somehow, this one seemed perfect.

He's gone now, and I'm another year older. I still get asked for ID when ordering drinks now and then. I feel pretty darned lucky and blessed and very loved and cherished. I still struggle to remember feeling better. Ever. I know I have, must have. I just can't remember it right now.

Aaah, long time I see I've not posted. Sometimes when I have things to do and not wallow, I do them and am not on the computer so much.

I've been knitting a bit more. I went with my dad to his surgeon yesterday. He had the gastric bypass nearly a year ago. I think he's lost enough weight. He's kind of fixated on weighing a certain number. I don't think that's healthy. I told him he should exercise more. I have mental pictures from actual photographs of him in high school. He wrestled and played football and basketball. He had visible muscle tone. That image, in my mind, is of a healthy, fit, active person. I hope he can see that too and maybe do some more exercise.

Who am I to talk, but I do exercise more now than I ever did. I hate to admit it, but all that they say about it is true. It helps me not feel so depressed. I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better, my clothes fit better. I know it's better for my heart and my bones. It certainly won't hurt any of us to exercise a bit more.

My beau is in town, and he surprised me with the most wonderful pot rack above my kitchen table. I know that may not seem like the greatest thing, but it is for me. And wow, does it free up more space in the cupboards! Plus my appliances that live in the "I don't use these as much" cupboard can move closer to the action! It's wonderful that he thinks of these things AND can install them. He fixed the broken shelf inside my refrigerator too. I can put the condiments in the door!! Why though, I must ask myself, do I have so many condiments? I need 4 kinds of mustard, I swear.

I look forward to the week ahead. Time away from work and away from home. Time with friends.

I wish my sister luck in her job pursuits, the other sister I wish all safe travels and the revelation that comes from traveling to a place far away, both from home and her regular life.

My heart continues to expand with the power of the love I give, and the more I have to give.

Spring, at last is here, and I feel renewed, refreshed and for the most part, at peace with everything.