ah, I'm back to a new "lifestyle" change.  er..diet.  err..weight loss program.  This time it involves nutrition, behavior therapy and exercise assistance.   So far I like it, and it feels different to me.  I'm always optimistic when I start these things.    How can I make sure this time is different?

That is the burning question.  If I had The Answer, I'd have it down by now.   I shall keep on trying.  

 I think part of the trick is keeping myself busy.   Not easy when sometimes I'd rather just be alone.   and mopey.    I have to do this.   I'm too important.   (positive self talk)

Okay, enough of that.  I have things to do.   And they don't involve sitting at this desk in the dark, staring at a screen.  

Right?  Right!

Recently, I went away on vacation. I didn't do anything spectacular, but I had a nice time. I relaxed. I ate, I slept, I read. I watched TV, went places with my beau. It was awesome. We've traveled together before, he's come here and we've gone on day trips, but this was nice just to be. To be together.

As I boarded the bus to take me away from him to the airport, it felt like all that heat that builds up on the picnic table all day, once the sun goes down, dissipating from the painted wood beneath me.

I love him and I miss being with him. I don't like this long distance thing we do. But we have to right now.

And so, with the end of daylight savings, I go back to work, and come home in the dark.

Sometimes, I love living alone. Other times, it freaks me out. I'm pretty sure what just happened was something like an acid reflux episode but while it was happening, I felt like I was going to die. Home. Alone.

It's like that scene in "Frankie and Johnny" when Michelle Pfeiffer nearly chokes on a spoonful of peanut butter. She's all alone, feels that panic, relief, and then still alone, sadness.

I sure hope this isn't something that sticks around. I hope this is it, like the one migraine I had, and then it goes on it's merry way.

All I can say without going into too much detail, is that I hate being or feeling sick. That was horrible, and it felt like I was suffocating. It scared me! But now, I'm feeling much more calm. I'm just not sure if I'll be able to eat any more of that great batch of stuff I made earlier today.

Oh stop your whining. At least I'm queen of the remote control, right?

How do I know when it's time to end things? How do I know that this won't give me any more than it already has? Do I stay until the bitter end?

It's going to be hot today. I was lazy yesterday. I don't want to have to go out, but I will. And then I'll come right back home.

I know going to the gym is good for me. I feel better when I've done my workout. But I'm still waiting for the part where I like working out.

I only had a small bit of syrup on my waffles. And now I feel all sticky. What is with that?

It's been such a long time. I used to fancy myself a writer of some sort. I don't know that that is true. Putting thoughts down in writing has always been a good thing for me, though.

It's been a crazy year. Not so much for things happening to me, but things happening to those around me. Accidents, surgeries, too much visiting of hospitals in a year for my taste.

Lately, work has been the bane of my existence. I don't like making changes, but I am re-working the resume. I need to find another place. Where work is appreciated. Where effort is at least acknowledged. Where expectations are realistic. Where overtime is not required.

And that's enough about that.

I feel the need for some more creativity in my life. Perhaps now that the weather has cooled a bit. I have something on deck for Halloween. Will see how that goes, but for the graveyard of knitting and crocheting materials I have, I hope I shall return to you darlings.

I long for simplicity. I crave peace and quiet. I feel guilty when I spend a Saturday doing nothing. Why is that? What a strange contradiction.

And soon, I can get out my goblins and ghosts to decorate for the holidays. I adore that. I long not for the cold, wet leaves, but the time when magic abounds. Spells are cast. Cider is drunk. and the veil between this world and the next seems a bit thin.

I miss those lovely women in my life that have gone on. I feel them supporting and encouraging me, though. I sometimes wish they'd give me that kick I can't seem to give myself.