okay, it's official. i live in my head most of the time. i'm single, i spend time alone when not at work. the running commentary i think of to describe stupid people i encounter at the video store, or the grocery store, must usually remain unsaid. what a shame, too, because some times it's really insightful. or funny. or both.

so it's tough to switch into gear when i'm among friends or family or whoever...to not blather endlessly about everything because i can. it's like things are off or they are on. no happy medium.

and why, pray tell do i think i need to worry about this?

i don't really. it's not a failing. or a shortcoming. it's just an admission. it's the way i am. and it's just fine.

wowweeee....i don't know if i can survive many more of those visits from my Sweetie. We have to get our time in together when we can, and usually that means he comes here, and we "shack up" for a couple of weeks. it is fun and enjoyable, but now i feel we're past the hearts and flowers stage and on to the getting to know the person within stage. putting up with things that make me crazy and learning to communicate when i am crazy or mad or upset. which is not easy for me. but i'm doing it, which makes me feel good.

it is frustrating to go back to life "before". it seems i feel more alone than when i was alone. it's like having tasted chocolate, and knowing what you're missing. and it's not about THAT, but the being together, the sharing and communicating, laughing and sharing life together.


eeegad...i'm sappy and stuff....

now on to the frustrating prospect of the upcoming holidays. why is it than in trying to do the "right thing" i get so tired of swimmig upstream? making sure things are where they should be and include all those needed. it shouldn't be so difficult. but it is. i'm hoping there's some reward in all of this i don't yet see. there's got to be. orchestrating dinner for 10 doesn't SEEM extremely complicated, but i guess it depends on which 10 we are talking about.

and let's not even talk about the NEXT holiday....yet.....

*runs and hides under her covers*

if we realized how much work something is before we took it on, would we still do it? i think it depends on what it is. like getting a dog, for example. it seems like a good idea at the time, but those early morning walks in the snow, then perhaps we aren't so sure. but then again, i don't have a dog.

i do have, for the moment, a long distance relationship. it's not a good situation. one i would not choose, nor advise another to choose. but i also realize i cannot control who i love. so i choose to stay in this situation, hoping for the opportunity that will bring us together. until then we remain separated by family obligation and the Canadian border. except for visits. visits are the best. perhaps it increases the inensity of our feelings. or enhances it. doesn't matter. it feels good to be up to my eyeballs in the stupid dopey kind of nickname calling love. wallowing in it. bathing. doing things i said i'd never do, saying things i'd sworn i'd never say. in this case, i will not only admit i was wrong, but concede that i'm glad i was wrong.

why is anyone surprised that a family who holds money in such high esteem should produce a son who gets engaged to a woman, who, with a 1 carat diamond, can only whine because it's not the 3 carat one? sometimes all i can do is shake my head.

as when they say that youth is wasted on the young, often times money is wasted on the stupid. and even worse, they'll probably breed.

i shudder to think.

sometimes family gossip is not worth the time it took me to listen to it. there goes 5 minutes i'll never get back, damn!!

egads it has been a while. i always start off with the best of intetions...on any project. and then something else captures my attention, or i want to do something else, like sleep. is it boredom? not usually. just...the human nature thing. complacency.

it happens to the best of us. it's odd, though that we seek a routine, familiar niches carved out of everyday activities and places and travels. we look for patterns to soothe us, to make us feel secure in their sameness. so, somewhere along that spectrum, things become "old hat" or we get bored with them. and then at least in my case, we look for something that engages us more than the last thingy did.

i love this though, and i'm going to try and not let it fall by the wayside. maybe with the cool weather chasing me back inside, that will help. or i'll get a raging case of cabin fever. not sure which