My grandfather is in a nursing home. The building used to be a school. I was really happy to be able to visit him without a lot of other relatives telling me when to come and go and what to bring. My sister and I brought him restaurant take out BBQ and some beer. I'll admit I felt like I was "breaking the rules" bringing that six pack in there. I carried it on my right side, trying to shield it from the desk with my body. What were they going to do, kick me out?

I know that is the best place for him, but it broke my heart to leave him there. I wanted to take him home, but he can't stand nor walk without help. I can't care for him. He lit up when he saw us, my sister and I. He tried to stay awake and "talk all night" like he said he wanted to.

He's winding down, like a watch. It's bittersweet. He has been a very strong, opinionated person. A person I was always afraid I would disappoint. A person who intimidated me. He's still stubborn and opinionated. But he's frail and vulnerable, too.

It's reminding me that we will all be there one day. And he knows he's no longer a "big shot". And that pisses him off.

*sigh*

I know some of those people there don't get visitors, though. And he was so proud we were there he wanted to eat in the common area so everyone could see us. That makes me feel good, to know that he loves me, even if he didn't say it very often.