if we realized how much work something is before we took it on, would we still do it? i think it depends on what it is. like getting a dog, for example. it seems like a good idea at the time, but those early morning walks in the snow, then perhaps we aren't so sure. but then again, i don't have a dog.

i do have, for the moment, a long distance relationship. it's not a good situation. one i would not choose, nor advise another to choose. but i also realize i cannot control who i love. so i choose to stay in this situation, hoping for the opportunity that will bring us together. until then we remain separated by family obligation and the Canadian border. except for visits. visits are the best. perhaps it increases the inensity of our feelings. or enhances it. doesn't matter. it feels good to be up to my eyeballs in the stupid dopey kind of nickname calling love. wallowing in it. bathing. doing things i said i'd never do, saying things i'd sworn i'd never say. in this case, i will not only admit i was wrong, but concede that i'm glad i was wrong.

why is anyone surprised that a family who holds money in such high esteem should produce a son who gets engaged to a woman, who, with a 1 carat diamond, can only whine because it's not the 3 carat one? sometimes all i can do is shake my head.

as when they say that youth is wasted on the young, often times money is wasted on the stupid. and even worse, they'll probably breed.

i shudder to think.

sometimes family gossip is not worth the time it took me to listen to it. there goes 5 minutes i'll never get back, damn!!

egads it has been a while. i always start off with the best of intetions...on any project. and then something else captures my attention, or i want to do something else, like sleep. is it boredom? not usually. just...the human nature thing. complacency.

it happens to the best of us. it's odd, though that we seek a routine, familiar niches carved out of everyday activities and places and travels. we look for patterns to soothe us, to make us feel secure in their sameness. so, somewhere along that spectrum, things become "old hat" or we get bored with them. and then at least in my case, we look for something that engages us more than the last thingy did.

i love this though, and i'm going to try and not let it fall by the wayside. maybe with the cool weather chasing me back inside, that will help. or i'll get a raging case of cabin fever. not sure which

i had an interesting dream. i don't often remember much of my dreams until days later. or weeks. i do like to try and figure out what they mean. it's a hobby. or a pursuit. but i've just read a few books on the subject. so now, on occasion, friends call me with their dreams. it really is fascinating.

i dreamt i was going to college. it wasn't really like when i was in college which was (EGAD) 18 years ago. but i was moving into a dorm-like place and there were lots of friendly young people around, very welcoming. i was excited to be starting a new venture and looking forward to expanding my education (which really is something i would like to do)

i don't remember a lot of the details now, but the overall feeling was good. and considering i usually find new adventures a bit daunting and sometimes downright scary, i'd say it's a sign of progress. if not a new venture on the horizon. could be almost anything, really. kind of makes me want to take my binoculars and watch the horizon.

i don't have a garden. i wish i did. what i do have is some potted plants out on my balcony.

this summer has been pretty awful for those plants so far. the trees out back of my apartment building are encroaching ever closer so the squirrels can jump onto the balcony above. the bugs jump onto my plants and eat the leaves. it rains. then it's hot.

but tonight, i went out there and noticed some new buds. some new flowers trying to open, and some new growth.

i like that. my little plants reminding me to keep at it, to keep trying, not to give up.

my mother always had flowers out front and stalks of corn by the side of the house, and tomatoes out back. i can remember house plants and lots of flowers. she always had hope things would grow. bear fruit. wonder if she saw the symbolism. she had 3 children and then died at 33. i like to think now she sees that her having us was her hope for the future. her putting forth buds not knowing if and/or when they would bloom.